WRITING
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HUMOR PIECES
 
RADIO PIECES
 
HEADLINES
 
ANIMATION

 

 

 

Below are links to some humor pieces that I've written. Above are tiny pictures of the places for, which, I've written them. On the sides is just white space.

 

 

 

THE WRITER

The New Yorker, Coming Soon

 
 

 

AN EMOJI CORRESPONDENCE

The New Yorker, Coming Soon

 
 

 

MY LINKEDIN PHOTO

The New Yorker, November 2017

 
 

 

STEVE AT THE PARTY

The New Yorker, July 2017

 
 

 

I WORK FROM HOME

The New Yorker, March 2017

Hear the Audio Version Performed by Kristen Wiig & Bill Hader

 
 

 

KING OF NEW YORK

The New Yorker, August 2016

 
 

 

WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT

The New Yorker, July 2016

 
 

 

HORIMER'S JOURNEY

The New Yorker, March 2016

 
 

 

THE SCARIEST STORY EVER TOLD

The New Yorker, October 2015

 
 

 

I MISS YOU

The New Yorker, October 2015

Hear the Audio Version

 
 

 

MARRIED ROLEPLAY

The New Yorker, August 2015

 
 

 

PLAYGROUND PURGATORY

The New Yorker, May 2015

 
 

 

MAGIC FOR THE MODERN CHILD

The New York Times, May 2015

 
 

 

EXPLORING OUR UNIVERSE

The New Yorker, February 2015

 
 

 

THANKSGIVING FOOD-COMA D.N.R.

The New Yorker, November 2014

 
 

 

RIGHTSIZING OUR WORKFORCE

The New Yorker, November 2014

 
 

 

REAL FOODIE

VICE Munchies, September 2014

 
 

 

CORN MAZE FAQ

The New Yorker, September 2014

 
 

 

THIS NEW RAP SONG HAS A REFRESHING PERSPECTIVE ON PUSSY

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, July 2014

 
 

 

A CLIMATE CHANGE DENIER GETS HEATSTROKE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2014

 
 

 

YOUR BEACH BODY

The New Yorker, May 2014

 
 

 

A SINGLE FRIEND'S DATE STORY AS INTERPRETED IN THE MIND OF HIS MARRIED FRIEND

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, May 2014

 
 

 

A FEW THINGS BEFORE I CHOOSE YOU TO WATCH MY LAPTOP

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, April 2014

 
 

 

THE FIRST CIVIL WAR REENACTMENT

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, March 2014

 
 

 

GOOD MEETING

The New Yorker, March 2014

Hear the Audio Version

 
 

 

GOING FOR BRONZE

The New Yorker, February 2014

 
 

 

THE DAME

The New Yorker, January 2014

 
 

 

THE PATH TO SELF-AWARENESS

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, November 2014

 
 

 

FRANKENSTEIN HAVE CRAZY NIGHT AHEAD OF FRANKENSTEIN

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, October 2014

 
 

 

YOU ARE NOW UNDER WITNESS PROTECTION

The New Yorker, August 2013

 
 

 

I EARN UP TO $300 A DAY MAKING MY OWN JEWELRY AND BEING A PROSTITUTE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, July 2013

 
 

 

BY DAY I'M AN OMELET CHEF, BUT BY NIGHT I'M AN OMELET CHEF AT ANOTHER PLACE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, May 2013

 
 

 

ESSENTIAL ADVICE ON YOUR LENGTHY UNEMPLOYMENT

The New Yorker, April 2013

 
 

 

THE SCIENCE OF DAYDREAMS

The New Yorker, March 2013

 
 

 

THIS IS THE YEAR

The New Yorker, December 2012

 
 

 

HAUNTED HOTEL GHOSTS RECOUNT THEIR MOST DISTURBING GUEST STORIES

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, October 2013

 
 

 

THE GIFT OF LAUGHTER

The New Yorker, October 2012

 
 

 

A STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO BUILDING A TINY FUCKING SHIP INSIDE A TINY FUCKING BOTTLE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, August 2012

 
 

 

AN AUTOMATED CONFERENCE CALL MODERATOR GETS REAL

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, July 2012

 
 

 

I'M THE DISTORTED SECURITY CODE STANDING BETWEEN YOU AND THIS WEB PAGE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, May 2012

 
 

 

THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO WRITING BETTER THAN YOU NORMALLY DO

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, April 2012

 
 

 

JAMES JOYCE ORDERS A SHAMROCK SHAKE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, March 2012

 
 

 

SEVEN WAYS TO PUT THE HEAT BACK IN YOUR BEAT

VICE, March 2012

 
 

 

WHO'S YOUR EAR, NOSE & THROAT DOCTOR?

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, August 2011

 
 

 

WELCOME TO PARADISE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2011

 
 

 

MY SELF-PORTRAIT

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, January 2011

 
 

 

ODES TO THE THINGS I CAN NO LONGER ENJOY ON MY DAMNED DIET

Eating Well Magazine, January 2011

 
 

 

COAT DRIVE

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, January 2011

 
 

 

NEIL DIAMOND REVIEWS 16 HOT NEW BANDS

Paste Magazine, October 2010

 
 

 

SEARCHING FOR ME: A MODERN TALE OF HEARTBREAK AND VIDEOGAMES

The Paris Review, May 2010

 
 

 

IT'S NAKED TIME

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2010

 
 

 

WE ARE THE FAMILY IN THE PHOTO THAT CAME WITH YOUR NEW PICTURE FRAME

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, May 2010

 
 

 

THE 12 DAYS OF CHRISTMAS

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, December 2009

 
 

 

HOME SCHOOLED

The Morning News, September 2009

 
 

 

IT'S DECORATIVE GOURD SEASON, MOTHERFUCKERS

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, September 2009

Hear the Audio by Rob Corddry (46:45)

 
 

 

IT'S WEIRD TO THINK ONE DAY I'LL PHOTOSHOP YOU OUT OF THESE VACATION PHOTOS

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, August 2009

 
 

 

YOUR LAST MEAL: A FEW SUBSTITUTIONS

College Humor, June 2009

 
 

 

I AM POSEIDON! GOD OF THE SEA! I ALSO TEACH WATER AEROBICS ON SATURDAYS

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2009

 
 

 

METH LAB FENG SHUI

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, April 2008

 
 

 

DIARY OF A WOMAN TRAPPED INSIDE A MAN'S BODY TRAPPED INSIDE A BEAVER'S BODY

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, September 2008

 
 

 

I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU TO MEET MY PANTHER

Yankee Potroast, September 2008

 
 

 

MY SNAKE NIGHTMARE

Monkeybicycle, May 2008

 
 

 

DR. SEUSS TREATS A PATIENT

Yankee Potroast, August 2008

 
 

 

IT WAS I WHO FLIPPED OVER THE RISK BOARD LAST NIGHT

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, June 2008

 
 

 

IF I COULD FLY

Monkeybicycle, May 2008

 
 

 

GOOD TIMES: THE LOST EPISODE

Yankee Potroast, March 2008

 
 

 

ADVANCED TAI CHI EXERCISES FOR THE MODERN WORLD

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, December 2007

 
 

 

GOOD NEWS, A SEAT ON MY TANDEM BICYCLE JUST OPENED UP

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, Octover 2007

 
 

 

EULOGY FOR A BEARDED BEE GUY

McSweeney's Internet Tendency, July 2007